Top Tips For Co-Parenting

I remember leafing through Hello Magazine back in 2014 and discovering, with a distinct lack of interest, that Gwyneth Paltrow and the lead singer of Coldplay were splitting up.  It wasn’t really my kind of news story and probably wouldn’t have registered at all, except for one particular reference which I have googled and cut and paste here for accuracy and clarity.

"We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and co-parent, we will be able to continue in the same manner."

The reason it stood out is that now familiar, almost overused, phrase - co-parent.  At the time I remember being bemused by it; the irony that I’d been doing it for 7 years and didn’t know that it had an actual name.

Now, granted, my own situation was somewhat different to that of ‘Gwynnie’ and Chris.  I love Sam dearly, but I don’t think we ever got as far as consciously coupling, let alone uncoupling  again. But we both love our daughter immeasurably and so, although it’s not always been straight forward we do our best to work together for the greater good.  

And sometimes it works. And sometimes it doesn’t. And sometimes it’s nice, and sometimes it’s just plain weird. But regardless, all you can do as a member of Club Co-parent is roll with it.

So, here are my top tips, with anecdotal evidence.

1. Leave your dignity at the door

Co-Parenting is intimate, and there’s no getting away from that.  If you invite someone into your life to help grow another human being, it’s going to get up close and personal. You might think having a sexual relationship with them is intimate, but just you wait til they’re watching you feed and sympathising over your cracked nipples. It’s a whole new ballgame, and you will hate it.

2. They will be your worst enemy

As a couple, you’re duty bound to work with mum or dad. When you’re just winging it, it’s more complicated because you’ve basically got a carte blanch to do what you like, no matter how hard it makes things on the other party.  In our case that applies as much to me as to Sam.  I mean he was the one who was always there all of the time, but I was the one provided all the designer outfits and extended curfews, both things that he was opposed to.  We basically worked to our own strengths to win brownie points and to hell with the impact on the other. But, on the upside, it’s not all bad news because...

3. You can also be a team

The good / cop bad cop fiasco can all also work perfectly if you do it as a team.  G decided she wanted her ears piercing at a point where I was basically the devil incarnate.  To aid our relationship, Sam dug his heels in and let me be the one who eventually ‘convinced’ him.   Co-parenting can quite a nice thing where you’re fighting each other’s corners rather than your own.

4. At the worst times, step up

Sam and I work best at moments of crisis.  When G was injured back in 2016 no one was able to love or protect me more than him.  I blocked my partner out, but I had to let Sam in, for Grace’s sake. I was lucky to have him there.

5. Accept that emotions will run high

You will get cross with each other.  You will disagree.  You will hate that you’re not parenting conventionally. Get over it.  You still have a child you love.

6. ‘Tactile’ will freak people out

Grace worries when she sees us getting touchy feely, and I think thats a mixed emotions thing.  On one hand, it’s nice to see us offering up the perfect family dream, but on the flipside, what if we do that only to take it all away again? I get it. You have to be sensitive to that but, at the same time, remember this...

7. ... you made a baby together, that changes a relationship 

You know how it feels to have sex, but also more intimately to kiss, to hug, and to hold each other.  And if you want to do that, that’s fine too.  You literally did the biggest thing two people can do together and it really does change things.  So if you find yourself in bed again, it is ok.

Although clearly unadvisable. 

Anyway this is probably not the kind of content G was advising but hopefully it’ll come in useful to my friends F & E and get my blogging career further off the runway.